The preschool is having a round of colds and fevers affecting a number of children during the beginning ofthis cold and flu season. With no school Friday, Veteran’s Day, I hope everyone gets healthier.

Illness poses a parent’s dilemma best summed up by a dad who said, “My boss doesn’t like it when I miss three days of work, but I understand she needs to be at home”. Many of you have busy schedules, traveling spouses, and meetings that are important. I remember this well;  I have four grown children. Unfortunately, sick and recovering children need to be cared for outside of the preschool.

I want to share with you some resources and “before need” coping strategies to think and plan about over the 3 day holiday to help with the dilemma. The three main obstacles seem to be the ” morning of” illness, the “getting sick at school” illness,  and the “getting well but not ready for school” recovery period. We have a policy of a child returning to school when they are healthy and fever-free for at least 24 hours. Children can cope with more at home than they can at school when they are recovering. The illness policies for the school are in the parent handbook, online at www.kidslovepreschool.com.

1. Relatives- talk to family who are close by and see how and when they might be available  to cover you.

2. Other parent/friend- as with a babysitting coop, some families make arrangements to cover each other in the case of illness. Not hours and hours, but the caring for or picking up of a child until your  crucial work need  is over.

3. Babysitters- they often have flexible daytime schedules. Other parents may have a person you would  trust;  they could spend some time with your child before you need them.

4. Nannies- some of you have talk about “underutilized” nannies. Perhaps they can step in and be paid while they are not caring for their usual child.

5. Neighbors- some of you have spoken of a good neighbor/ friend.  Are they available for recovery care or pick up at school and short term care?

6. Friends- is there someone who would be willing to be on call?

7.  College students- We are fortunate to have Los Angeles City College nearby.  Ty  and Marilyn went there. Check and see if they have a way of putting you together with students available for childcare.

Developing ” before need” care arrangements will hopefully ease some of the stress of caring for a sick child. Please make sure that I have the names of the people you choose written in my file. You can stipulate the circumstance under which they can pick up your child, i.e. sick-child care only. I will ask for ID if we don’t know them.

I CANNOT release a child without a written note from a parent if the pick up person is not on the list; in the moment of need that can be a real hassle.

I hope these ideas help and I wish you a happy and healthy Veteran’s Day holiday.Tweet

This started me thinking about the difference between pressure and expectations. This is a common concern among parents who are trying to raise children thoughtfully but who also have goals they would like their children to reach.

Erik Erikson in his seminal book, Childhood and Society, talks about the stage of childhood between roughly 1 1/2 and 3 year old as the stage of autonomy versus shame and doubt. We can influence the way children feel about themselves and their capabilities by the way we handle these kinds of normal childhood steps.

One of the first things to think about with children and expectations  is the difference between internally derived child development, which occurs as a result of a child’s own drive to complete a task,  and the expectations we set for children to help them become part of our family and community.

Some behaviors are grounded in normal child development. From the time a child is born, he or she is biologically programmed to nurse, crawl, walk, run, and talk. We, as parents and teachers, just need to support them with opportunity and positive experiences. These are innate skills that will emerge although the timetable for each child is individual.

Other behaviors are decided by the family, the culture, society, and laws. Children learn to eat food rather than throw it,  to hold our hand when crossing the street, and to use words rather than biting,  because we set behavioral expectations and goals for them and teach them how to achieve them.

Both the innate and the learned  forms of behavior are vital for a child to develop in a physically, socially and emotionally healthy way .

In early childhood, we deal with expectations that are  fairly consistent throughout different cultures. Children learn to feed themselves, go to the bathroom in a predetermined place, dress themselves, and fall asleep at night. They learn how to socialize with their family and then others in their world. At school, they widen that experience to include children and grown-ups new to their family. They learn to play and to problem solve. Each step is invaluable for their development.

Children want to gain mastery over their own care and skill building and therefore can be willing participants in their own development.  Mastery is an important source of a human’s self-esteem and feelings of success in coping with the world. I don’t think that anyone disagrees with the benefits  of a a child developing mastery but the question sometimes becomes how to help them achieve it.

We help children develop mastery and self-esteem when we have age-appropriate expectations of our children. When we work together with our children to set goals to develop a new skill, we are helping them with self-care and mastery. They learn that they are capable people.

Pressure, on the other hand,  takes away from these goals. When we blame or scold children, we tell them we doubt their desire or their capability.  Instead of supporting autonomy, we are using shame or doubt to try and make them do what we want. This behavior removes the locus of control from the child to the parent. When we as parents becomes overly involved in the child’s experience, it makes it our agenda rather than theirs. When we as parents make our happiness with our child based on their performance, we create a lot of pressure for a child.

So, in toilet training or any other childhood growth step we have for our children, expectations and support help them to grow into the capable people we know they can be. And while it can be tempting in the moment, pressure is best left to the side so that children can feel the personal satisfaction of mastery and self- control.

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Last week at the morning coffee, the question was “How do I talk to my child about death?”.  At school, we talk about death regularly, usually in the context of life cycle. For example, in the garden, we plant seeds, watch them grow, enjoy the harvest or the flowers, and then see how the seed pods develop before the plants wither and die. Last week, we pulled out the dead tomato vines, depleted cilantro, and shriveled squash plant out of the ground. They are making way for the fall crop of vegetables and flowers who will repeat the cycle.

Death recently came to the Yellow Room in a different, but not uncommon way. A child’s cat died.  While I talked about coping strategies with the family, we also got our favorite books that talk about death. Mister Roger’s Tender Topic Series includes When a Pet Dies, a really caring and thoughtful discussion of death and the child’s feelings about it.  We also read The Tenth Good Thing About Barney.  In it, a little boy has a cat die and he goes through the feelings and questions that come with that experience. In an intimate way, the boy and his family address his feelings, the goodbye process, mourning, and his memories.

We also discussed the cat’s death at morning meeting, the way we do with many things important to the children’s life. The child told the story of her cat, shared pictures, and talked about how they said their goodbyes as a family. The other children then shared their experiences. They told stories of wrapping an animal in a scarf, of funerals, of singing a goodbye song, of markers and flowers. Some talked about heaven. We listened and supported. The shared stories and feelings help all of the children to cope with loss and to develop coping strategies and increased awareness of one of life’s significant events.

In the life of the school, there will be fish, lizards, spiders, frogs, and other creatures to mourn. We will bury them in our garden where they will have their last job of helping making our garden grow, just like Barney. We will talk about feelings and realities. We will help them learn that death and sleep are not the same.  It is a process.

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Basically, it is the BIG THREE that helps children enter the classroom with their A game.

• Sleep
• Breakfast and an orderly morning
• Supportive routines

SLEEP

BREAKFAST

SUPPORTIVE ROUTINES

Bedtime Routine

Morning Routine

A few suggestions.

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Dear Parents,

Below you will find our plans for tomorrow morning.

First, though we wanted to explain why we are celebrating this day and later Father’s Day in a more inclusive way.  We have invited mothers, grandmas, aunts, and other important women in children’s lives to be with us.

One of the most important  goals of Children’s Center Preschool is to help children to understand  and appreciate not only their own family’s heritage, culture, and makeup, but those of other children’s families.  We want to develop more than tolerance in children, which is a passive state.  In addition we seek to develop understanding, acceptance, and appreciation. When a child sees the value of his or her family as well as the value of families  who live differently , they develop an active belief that each person matters and that there are many different ways to live life positively.

Mother’s Day was originally a Hallmark Card marketing opportunity that seems to have evolved into a National holiday. But life is not the same as it was 50 years ago, and our children and their families need to find new ways to approach this holiday (because it is so ubiquitous). Children are no longer raised only in traditional mother and father households.  They are also being well raised in single parent, same sex parent, adoptive parent, grandparent, or other caring people households. They also have several other important women who participate in meaningful ways in their upbringing,  nannies, babysitters, grandmas, aunts, neighbors, and friends.

Tomorrow we will celebrate them all!  We hope that celebrating in this way, we will help your children redefine Mother’s Day in a new and more inclusive way and value the many women who enrich their  lives.

The Morning Plan

We will start with a breakfast buffet at 8:45 am in the room just beyond the classroom. Hearts are on the door.

Once our group has gathered,  we will move into the group area for morning meeting, including greetings,  a book and some singing.

From group, we will break up into smaller groups for some beading,  card making, and  planting.

When the child you are with finishes with the activities, we invite you to sit on the yoga mats that will be in the group area and read some books.

Our celebration will end as the children finish up the activities;  we will send you off with the goodbye song. The children will then head off for snack.

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Here’s how it works. First Ty shows the children all of  the different items that were going in the box, carefully describing them as she tucks them  in the box. Then one by one, each child comes up and find something in the box while the rest of the group watch.

The next part is the guessing game.  The child gives clues about the item they are holding without telling what it is and it is the kids turn to guess. Once they figure out, it is the next child’s turn to reach into the Mystery Box. .

This game was a huge success with squeals of delight accompanying each discovery.

The game is not only fun but also wonderful practice in visual memory. To remember an object , you have to focus on it, notice its size, shape and color, and pay attention to its detail. We play lots of visual memory games in the course of the year.

Another game we play is called “What’s Missing?”. We put a dozen or so objects on the floor in front of the children and have them look at each one as we point to it and talk about it. Then they close their eyes while we take one away. When they open their eyes, we ask “What’s Missing?  One by one the children take turns taking something away and the others guess. The children also give clues if no one remembers.

When children first play this game, they are often not paying very close attention, but after a few times, they start really looking to see what’s there. They developing strategies for remembering; that is a valuable skill and children do it differently. Clue giving also requires that they pay close attention to the object.

The visual games and listening games we enjoy playing  are not only  fun but also strengthen the visual and auditory skills that will serve children well as they develop.Tweet

At a recent parent coffee, the  parents and I were discussing their lives as married couples with children as a part of their family and how hard it is for the children not to become all of their married life together.  I was struck by the importance of the words  “with children as a part of the family”.

When you begin life your life together as a couple, it is a huge adjustment to become parents and incorporate a child into your family. It is also a wonderful, satisfying, and time-consuming part of your life; I have 4 children and certainly understand. Children need and benefit from your love, attention, respect, and thoughtfulness and you love doing it.

But it can very easily take over your life and fill the time you used to have as a couple. It is very important to your children’s and your  well being that you find time to continue to have a close relationship as a couple. By nurturing close relationships with your  children, creating a cohesive family life, AND maintaining a strong bond as a couple, you provide the very best environment for every family member to thrive.

The other side of that coin is that  no matter how thoughtfully you try and raise a child, an unhappy marriage or divorce will undo many of your best efforts in parenting and leave you unhappy as well.

At the coffee, the parents were sharing some of the things that, in daily life with their children, make it difficult for them to have time for their marriages. For example,  being unable to have an uninterrupted conversation,  having no time together alone unless it at the very end of the evening,  exhaustion,  never being able to get away, etc.

They also generated a number of excellent suggestions that allow children to be a meaningful part of their  family while neither being the “boss” of the family nor a part of everything.

Here are some of the suggestions for creating everything from little moments of adult time to having some time to get away alone.

1. Make sure there are times when you talk with your children and really listen to what they have to say AND THEN make equally sure you have times when you can talk as adults together without every sentence being interrupted. If the children are there, ask them to wait while you finish a thought or sentence.

• You can say  “ I am going to finish telling Mommy/Daddy/ Papa something and then I can talk with you.”  Or “ In one minute, I will listen to what you have to say but now I am talking to M/D/ P”, and then stick to it.  Children learn from the parental modeling and this will benefit not only your marriage but also the children’s relationships with other people.

2. Find time every day to ask your child to find something self- amusing to do so you can be together and talk.

• Not just the necessary logistical and child stuff but the important stuff. “How are you?”, “How was your day”, “What interesting happened today” , “ How about Egypt?”  “ How about the Lakers?” Whatever matters to you. Protect these times.
• When your child comes over to interrupt, remind him/ her that you are talking and that you will be with them soon.  Don’t negotiate.  If this is new to them, start small, 5 minutes, but plan on building up. Praise their success. Preschool children are capable of  easily self-amusement  for 15 minutes  several times a day.

3. Set a reasonable bedtime and find a way to make it work. Have enough time left in the evening for yourselves when you are not exhausted.

• Start early enough.
• Bedtime routines can be very helpful here. Do the same thing every night. Pick the order that works for you but bath, pj’s, toothbrushing, story, song, lights out are the general ones. The routine predisposes children to settle in and it prepares their minds for sleep.  End on a quiet and loving note.
• Help your child to learn to fall asleep without having you in the room.  If you have a family bed, reassure them that you will be with them when you come home and come to bed. Like all of these suggestions, take it in baby steps.

4. Plan dates nights and protect them fiercely.

• Find a trusted babysitter, grandparent, or friend.  Teach them about your child’s needs and routines,  leave them with the needed information, and go out together. Children will be fine and will develop the ability to be flexible and cared for by others.
• If this is new, start small. Go out for coffee and come back. But build up to  enough time so you can really connect as a couple.
• Make this time  a priority and don’t allow it to become something functional i.e., going to a meeting, a business dinner, or the market.
• DON’T DISCUSS THE CHILDREN; very hard but very important. You need to connect with the part of your marriage that is about other things. You did that before; you can do it again.

5. Once in a while, try and get away for a night or two.

• Use those same trusted people and get away.
• Again, baby steps after you have developed the date night.
• First, stay in a lovely but local hotel.  You might try leaving after you put the children to bed and coming back after breakfast.
• Next time, extend the stay until after lunch.
• You get the idea.

Supporting a healthy and connected marriage is an invaluable gift to yourselves and your children. They will learn how to have loving and caring relationships that respect not only their own needs but the needs of others and you can have a marriage that will last a lifetime.Tweet

In giving parent tours these last few weeks and in considering the wonderful pool of applicants we are developing, I was revisiting the importance of diversity in our preschool and the many ways it is achieved. One of the reasons I chose the Los Feliz, Silverlake, Larchmont, and Hollywood area is that it has a diverse population. I have also chosen a staff that reflects our diverse community. I believe children learn from what they live with in the normal course of their daily lives. They learn that there are many different ways for families to love, raise, and support children. Families with diverse family structures, faiths, backgrounds, races, ethnicities, economic means, and careers all raise healthy, interesting children.

I believe that it is through living and sharing together that we all really come to internalize tolerance, appreciation, honoring and supporting the people in our own world. Children also naturally develop a view that gives them the opportunity to comfortably explore the rich range of people and possibilities. From  this base, children will go on in their world to benefit from the richness of people they will come to know.

As a staff, we believe diversity goes well beyond race and ethnicity although those are the easiest to identify quickly. As we put together a classroom group, we think of diversity quite broadly. We are interested in a mix of racial and ethnic backgrounds and I am delighted that our preschool has developed significant diversity using those criteria.

The children themselves always represent diversity and we value a group that is varied. Some are outgoing, some more quiet; some are more visual learners, some auditory learner, some kinesthetic learners. While they generally enjoy the many offerings of  a preschool program, they have a a great range of interests and talents. Some go right to the puzzles while another is off to the blocks.  Some love a big group to play with where others like one good play friend. In a mixed age grouping, children reflect their different developmental stages.

We also look for diversity in other ways. We welcome families with a variety of family structures; families with mom and dad, with a single parent,with same sex parents, with step families, with adopted children, with grandparents as the primary caretakers. There are so many ways to successfully raise children today; each family is striving towards being the best parents they can be.

We value a range of backgrounds in the family’s  work life; lawyers, journalists, artists, engineers, chefs and  entertainment industry people all enrich the school with their different experiences, talents,  and perspectives.

Especially at the holidays, we celebrate the diversity of beliefs our families have. We celebrate Christmas and Chanukah, St. Lucia Day, and Cinco de Mayo. We discuss the secular and the religious and the philosophical.

We love learning about everyone’s different talents, be it cooking, music, gardening, art, or storytelling. Children have different talents and interests; the more they see that all people come with a variety of talents and interests, the better. It also help us to learn what each child cares about. Our curriculum incorporates the children’s emergent interests into the classroom activities and invited visitors.

We encourage families to invite grandparents into the school to be part of the school activities and programs. As a society, we benefit when people of all  ages join together to enrich children’s life. We have grandparents as volunteers as well as participants in our family /child gatherings. At our Thanksgiving feast, grandparents thoughts joined with the parents’ and children’s about what they were most thankful for, offering a wonderful range of perspectives.

We encourage families with a range of economic means to join our school. Since we offer 3, 4, and 5 mornings as well as 1 to 5 afternoons, we hope that families can find a home with us. We also offer partial scholarships to families in need. We recognize that these are particularly different times and want to ensure that the diversity offered by families different life experiences are incorporated in the school.

Our preschool has benefitted from the wonderful range of children and their families that are with us each day. We are grateful to them for  making  our days so interesting.Tweet

In my professional education, I have been blessed to have several remarkable mentors, beginning with Miki Holden (now head of  Family School in Los Olivos) and Eleanor Griffin at Eleanor’s Preschool in Berkeley ( I graduated from UCB).  The other major Berkeley influence was Dr. Thelma Harms, who was the Director of the UCB Child Development Center. She has become one of the giants in the field of early education. Many of my views about how to help children learn self-discipline and self-regulation started with her seminal ideas.

I have included below an edited version of an article she handed out to parents and teachers to give them some constructive ways of looking at discipline and some ideas to help children develop self-discipline.  I realize the writing is dated but the ideas are as good today as they were the day they were written. I hope you find wisdom in her words the way I have all of these years. It is a long article but I really believe that it is worth it.

Discipline- A Positive Approach

Dr. Thelma Harms

Edited, with occasional additions,  by Deborah Wyle

The very word “discipline” can carry with it a negative connotation.   I would like to attempt with you to re-define discipline in a positive way.  Discipline can be defined as the transformation of impulses into socially acceptable and communicable forms.  We need only think back to the vitality and the conviction that little babies show in every thing they do, whether it’s crying out of hunger, or smiling at a human face, to realize that every human being has tremendous impulses with him.  He has vitality and spontaneity and desires, but these need to be transformed into socially communicable, and I would say, socially acceptable forms in order for us to live constructively with one another.

In a way, discipline is a double-edged sword.  If we do away with the impulses in our children then we will end up with dull, dead, rigid people who know all the forms and practice all the forms, but who derive no satisfaction from any thing that they do.  They will be correct, but they will not be living human beings.  So, somehow we want to keep spontaneity, joy, and impulses alive in people.

Now the other edge of this sword is that if we have spontaneous, alive, impulses in our children whose behavior is not constructive, and does not add to society; if we let children grow up so that they cannot express themselves in way that are acceptable to other people, then we have the destructive side of impulsivity: we have children with severe behavior problems.

We parents have to devise a way of reaching our goals with our children so that we keep alive in them their impulsivity, but we also help them to develop socially acceptable forms of behavior. Now I am a mother and I know that you cannot possibly follow your best intentions all day, everyday ay. What I am going to suggest to you are ideas that I have found helpful myself in working with children, and I might say “in raising myself as a parent,” and I hope that some of these ideas also prove helpful to you.  I have  five ideas to share with you.

First of all, in the day to day living with a child, don’t underestimate your value as a behavior model. I think this is the main teaching tool that a parent has.  You are a behavior model.  Our children are watching us, they know what our feelings are, as well as what our intentions are and they are learning a great deal about how human beings behave from the way we behave, towards them, towards over selves, and towards other people.

If a mother comes in and finds her three year old annoying his baby brother and she says, “I told you not to do this,” and slaps his hand, she may think; “There, that will teach him not to hit his baby brother”. But is this mother really teaching her child; what has this child really learned about behavior?  He learned two things; my mother is bigger than I am, when she gets angry, she hits me.  Therefore, hitting is a perfectly good way to show that you are angry or that you disapprove of something.

The second thing he learned is; my mother does not want me to hit my baby brother.  He is learning this negative prohibition, but he is not learning what his mother really wants him to do with his baby brother, which is to like him; to be a human being with him.  He is not learning this because the mother herself has used physical punishment, she has been disapproving, and she has presented a model of behavior, which if followed by the child, would not be approved by the mother.

Even when we punish children, we are models of behavior and as we do unto them they will do unto others.  We want to be models of constructive ways of coping with life.  We all get angry. If the parent is a hostile parent, the child will likely be a hostile child.  We are models of behavior and sometimes we have to look into ourselves and find out whether we ourselves have to learn to cope with anger in constructive ways.

A second idea about the day-to-day living with children is that a parent re-enforces what the child does through giving it attention. Another very valuable teaching tool you have is your attention.  When a baby “coos” and “goos” there is something about this that delights us and we “coo” and “goo” back.  We don’t think about  it, but we are helping that child learn to speak.  We “coo” and “goo” to him, he “coos” and “goos” back to us, he says “dada” and immediately we say, “Dear, he called for you this morning, he said dada.”  Maybe in a few weeks the mother will have responded enough to this word so that when the child says “dada” he means a particular person.

Attention re-enforces behavior, it gives children a reason for doing the same thing again.  Now whether the attention is positive attention (like appreciation or interest), or whether it is negative attention (like spanking or an angry face), doesn’t make much difference.  Any kind of attention that we give the child re-enforces his behavior.  If you want behavior to disappear, you ignore it or you remove the child from your attention.

Occasionally we see children in school who have learned that the only sure way to get attention from people is by doing annoying things.  I had a little boy in my school, several years ago, who was considered quite a problem at home. This child had found the one sure-fire way in his family to get love and attention.  When he was a good boy, nobody noticed him, but when he was a bad boy everything stopped, all eyes were on him, he got the full attention of his mother. He really could feel how involved she was with him when she scolded or spanked him, and then, of course, she felt terrible about it.  He was ignored for a few seconds, but soon he could come back and get all the love and attention that he really was looking for in the first place.

What this suggests to me is that we must give our children attention for the positive things that they do.  Put yourself in your child’s place.  We all crave recognition for the positive things that we do, even if they are only commonplace.  These are the things that are ignored by most people.  The only time many children get attention is when they are obstreperous and annoying.

Here is a simple thing that you can put into effect right away.  Notice the good things, the specifically good things that your children do.  Give them positive attention; a smile, praise, the reward of being notices. Give them the reward of your attention and appreciation.  This will help tremendously in building up a positive relationship between you and your child.

Now, let’s take a closer look at praise, because praise itself has been shown to be rather difficult to use.  There are two different kinds of praise; general praise and specific praise.

Let me illustrate for you.  A child has been taking a car trip with his parents and he has been quiet and cooperative.  They are just about reaching their destination when the mother turns to the child and announces to everyone in the care, “You have been such a marvelous boy, you really are such a lovely boy, you are always so good and I appreciate this.”  And then suddenly the child goes berserk.  He knocks the crayons down on the floor and overturns the ashtray in the care, and the mother says, “What have I done?  Mrs. Harms said to praise him, I praised him and now he’s gone to pieces.” Why?

This was the kind of praise that puts a great deal of strain on a child, it was general praise; “You’re a wonderful boy.”  This is terribly scary; because it means that you have to continue to be so good you can’t imagine how good you have to be.  It is easier to be a little bit bad or a lot bad right now and break that halo.  It is just like telling a beautiful woman. “You’re exquisite, I love you because you’re so beautiful.”  Well then she starts to think, “ Oh my gosh, wrinkles, age, what am I going to do?”  This is praise, which cannot allow you to fail, and this kind of praise is terribly threatening.

Avoid global praise; rather give praise for specific things.  An example of this: a child cleans up the yard; when he comes in the first thing the mother does is she goes out and looks at the yard.  This is reward.  You have to look at what the person does, that’s the first reward.  Simply saying, “Oh, I appreciate that much, you are a marvelous boy.  All right, now get to the next job,” this is not reward.  The first reward is going out and letting your child show you what he has done, and then you can make specific mention of things that impress you.  “You did a good job on raking up those leaves.  That’s a hard job to do, to get under the bushes this way.”  This is specific praise.  It does not mean that this child has to feel the burden of perfection, which is a tremendous burden.

I am convinced that more budding musicians are destroyed by the pressure of having to get better and better.  Perfection is something that a person has to put upon himself as a goal.  We cannot desire perfection for someone else; we have to do this for ourselves.  The dancer or musician who seeks perfection is a person who has dedicated his life to this goal.

Yet often, without knowing it, we say, “You’re a good boy,” with the implication—you’re so much better than your brother.  And then suddenly the child feels this is too much: he feels guilty because he knows that he really isn’t better than his brother, in fact, he has just been thinking mean thoughts about his mommy, and controlling himself, and his mother turns to him and says, “You’re such a good boy, you’re always a good boy.”  Now what is he going to do? He either has to feel guilty or he has to feel, “Stupid mommy, she doesn’t really know me,” or he has to do something to show mommy that he can’t always be perfect.  So even with praise and reward we must keep it specific and keep it honest; go out and look at what the child has done, praise him for what he has really done.

A third idea is that in order to help children develop acceptable behavior; we must communicate clearly what we want our children to do. I am convinced that many children do not really know what is expected of them, because they have not been given a clear pattern and a positive direction to follow.

One thing that we do in the nursery school that’s quite effective is that we tell a child what we want him to do, not what we do not want him to do. If you would be away for a whole day of the number of times you say,  “stop,” “don’t,” “no,” you would be amazed.  It seems that most of our lives we go around disapproving of things.  Every time you think “don’t,” “stop,” “no,” take the second step and ask yourself, “what do I want the child to do?” then verbalize what you want him to do.

Most times we give children only the negative prohibition, but not the indication for positive action.  We say, “Don’t touch that,” what we really mean is “Look at this with your eyes.”  Little children love to look at things, but looking to them means touching; this is part of experiencing things.  We have to help them learn that some things need to be looked at only with one’s eyes. A positive way of relating this to young children is saying “Put your hands here and lean over and look at this with your eyes.”  They are very happy to try this.  This doesn’t mean that the next time they will automatically do this; it takes a long time to learn.  But if you say, “ No don’t touch that,” you are not helping the child to satisfy his impulse to see this new thing in a socially acceptable way, and this is what we are trying to do through discipline.

The impulse to see and experience new things is great, we want her to keep this the whole of her life, but we want her to know a way of doing this that is appropriate.  Now, if you’ve got some lovely things on the table, and a young child comes over, you have two choices: either you put the things away so that he doesn’t break them or you show him how to look at these things, how to touch them gently.  What you choose will depend on the age of the child and the length of time you have to work with her.

It seems to me that all of us along the way need to learn to give positive directions.  We can’t keep avoiding issues all the time.  We need to start to show children acceptable patterns when they are ready for them; so keep in mind that you are going to try to verbalize to your child or show the young child what you want him to do rather than what you don’t want him to do in order to give the child a more exact picture of how we want him to behave.  It seems to me that the adult’s role is to help children find acceptable ways for doing the things that they want to do.  If you tax yourself a little and imagine what it is they want to do and find a way for them to do it in your home, you’re doing a great deal towards helping a child retain his spontaneity and yet find socially acceptable forms.

When you make more abstract limits, I think that it is terribly important that children know what the limits are and why you have set these limits.  I’m going to mention a study by Robert Hess of Chicago, in which he asked mothers to teach their children various little tasks.  He watched the way the mothers controlled the children and he found that there are three main ways that mothers had of verbally controlling their children.

The first group of mothers merely told the children what was expected of them and that was that.  When the child asked why, the mother’s reason was “I told you, girls are supposed to do this, and you do it.”  In other words the child was simply told what to do and when he asked for a reason he was given no reason except that he was supposed to conform.

In the second group when the mothers asked the children to behave in a certain way they would say, “do this for me, I want you to do this, or do this because the teacher likes it,” in other words the mother used the control of people’s affection or people’s concern being the reason for doing things.

In the third group the mother gave logical reason.  “You do this because it’s safer than doing that, or you do this because if you don’t hold the plate carefully it will break.”

Now when these children got to kindergarten you might hazard a guess as to which group was able to think best logically, which group did best in school?  Yes, the third group, because they were from the very youngest age taught to think in a cause and effect way.  These children were being brought up to think logically, not to do things out of fear or conformity or out of seeking affection from other people.  There is some indication that the way we discipline our children has an effect on their intellectual approach and I think that this study is very interesting because it gives us a hint about how this tie-up occurs.

However, suppose a child gets so darn reasonable that he argues with you at every turn, what about that?  You can’t allow this either, because children are very bright and they can start to manipulate us through reasoning.  You do have to protect yourself; you do have to make decisions about whether things have gone far enough and whether the end of the discussion has arrived.  I’m not suggesting endless reasoning and arguing, nor am I suggestion that you become the tools of your children.  I am suggesting that giving reasons and giving positives directions helps a child to behave the way you want him to because he has a clear understanding of what you want him to.

Now, the fourth point is that all of us have feelings, children as well as, adults, and that feelings are facts, and they are real. We can always accept feelings, but we can’t always accept overt behavior.  When dealing with children it seems fair to say to the child, “I know you’re angry with me, I know what I did made you angry because you wanted to do that, but I can’t let you go because…”  this doesn’t mean that right away all the angry feelings are going to be dissipated, but it does mean that mother and father understand this child.  Actually having a person with you who can communicate, someone who understand you, makes it possible to put restrictions on yourself.  The child might continue to be angry, but at least he knows that there is a basis for communication.

Even with the very young child I find it helpful to say, “I know something made you angry.”  This admission lends credibility to the feelings.  If I see Johnny hit jimmy I don’t sail in and say, “Don’t do that you are a naughty boy, you’re bothering him, you know we don’t hit in nursery school,” because this just means to the little fellow who has done the hitting that I am really not on his side, I’m against him, I’ve seen his behavior and I’m going to do something about that, but I really don’t care about him.  What I do as I’m separating the two antagonists is say to the aggressor, “Something really made you mad, what made you mad?”  That’s all you really have to say.  A four year old will tell you what it was that made him mad.  And sometimes, surprisingly enough, you find that three unpleasant m things have happened to him before the one negative thing that you saw him do.  When you start to look at feelings as facts, your sympathy very often goes equally to the aggressor.

What I am suggesting here is that we tell the child that we know that he is angry and although we cannot accept his way of showing it, we still accept his feelings. We must not only accept his feelings, but we must accept our own feelings.  We may not accept much of the undesirable behavior, either in the child or in ourselves and if we parents start to be able to express our feelings and let our children express their feelings, verbally or in other acceptable outlets (like painting an angry pictures or playing with clay or kneading some bread dough), then we will find that our children have much less need for violence and we have much less need for violence too.

In contrast , power oriented discipline, with shouting, withholding of parental love and esteem, ignoring of children’s feelings, and any physical discipline seems to cause children to become  more aggressive towards other children, and we can see why.  The parent himself has been a model of aggressivity and the need for a more a stronger response goes up.

Now, my fifth and last point is that there can be no freedom without discipline. Martha Graham, the greatest dancer and teacher, in her film “The Dancer’s World,” gives a perfect example of this.  Martha Graham tells us that there can be no freedom of expression in the arts without a great deal of discipline, but the discipline under which an artist lives is a self-imposing discipline.  He is competing with only one image, the image of the person the he feels he can be.  This is very different from the kind of outwardly imposed discipline that many of us have been put under at various times of our life.  If only we could help children arrive at a positive image of the person they feel they can be, and give them hope that they can become this person, then we have the possibility of self-discipline.

Now, freedom is often mistaken for license and irresponsibility; I don’t’ feel this way.  I think you can only be free within very clear and realistic limits.   Martha Graham has made this clear when she says that the dancer goes back to the studio to practice the most difficult exercises so that when he is on the stage he can be free in his way of expressing what he feels is important.

We want this kind of freedom for our children. Good self- discipline coupled with enthusiasm, a creative spirit, a desire to learn, and good self-esteem. Positive guidance has the best chance of achieving this goal.Tweet

Halloween is a fun and festive time for parents; it also comes with questions and concerns.

COSTUMES, MASKS, AND FACE PAINTING

Children usually love costumes but the selection process can be tricky at times.  Your child can make numerous changes of mind and then the carefully made or purchased costume is not wanted the evening of Halloween. The debate with your child over store bought costume or a TV advertised one can put the parent and child at odds. We have learned a few things  from parent’s experience that can help.

• Children usually enjoy having a hand in selecting or making the costume; they have an extra measure of pride when they wear it.
• Costumes do not have to be elaborate—children’s imaginations will provide the added zip.
• If your child isn’t into it, relax. One of my favorite costumes that appeared at our door was a child in regular clothes who was holding a spatula and a wooden spoon; he was a cook. You can also just do a little face painting to create a cat or what ever your child wants.
• Agree to a costume you are OK with. If you don’t think that something is appropriate or is better for when they are older, say so. Problem solve until you find a costume you both agree on.
• Your child’s feelings are more important than any costume.
• Don’t invest or make anything you are not willing to have your child not wear this Halloween (often they can make it to the next Halloween). Last minute refusals are not unusual.
• Thrift shops and novelty stores have some great possibilities. It’s A Wrap, a store in Burbank on Magnolia just east of Hollywood way is an amazing source.
• Many children like the opportunity to try the costume on during the week before Halloween.  As they try it on again and again, they not only become comfortable and familiar with their costumes but they grow better in their part. Contrary to popular opinion, the costume does not lose its appeal if it has been worn before.
• We have found at the school that face make-up is much more successful than a mask that a child might be frightened of wearing. If you let your child tell you where the face paint should go on their face, most kids seem to really enjoy it.

FEARS AND PRETENDING

Children, especially at this age, can feel worried or scared about a variety of things. Lots of us have fond memories of enjoying Halloween but often our memories are of when we were a bit older. For this age group, a change in people’s appearance can often be scary and when it comes with a scary costume, it can be even scarier.

The reason I say “at this age” is that children who are 3, 4, and 5 years old are sorting out reality from fantasy.  They are learning more everyday about what is real and what is pretend.  They move easily between the two worlds when pretending to be lions, doctors, monsters,  and babies, etc.  Their pretending (as we see it) is quite real to them and they are thoroughly absorbed in that role.  This is an important part of their learning; however, it obviously creates potential problems at Halloween.  Many children become anxious about ghosts, witches, scary sounds, costumes, etc.  They frequently do not realize or believe that a ghost is actually a person with a sheet or that the witch is their friend or sibling with a costume on.  As parents are well aware, to children, what they are seeing is reality.  To ask them to think differently is to ask them to be 7 years old rather than their real age.  But, there are many things you can do to make Halloween enjoyable as well as an opportunity for learning from fears.

• Good costume choice
• Facepainting rather than masks- cold cream and food color or a commercial one
• Hats, scarves, and wigs can change a child’s appearance without covering the face
• Friendly parent costume choice for parents who dress up; also keep yourself recognizable. It can be pretty overwhelming and scary for a child if the world looks scary and they turn to the parent for comfort and the parent is scary too.
• More below

TRICK OR TREATING

Trick or treating can be great fun and getting candy is very exciting but it can be a scary or worrisome experience. Children are out at night, seeing lots of unfamiliar things, going to unfamiliar houses , and seeing others in costumes running by. It is a lot for them to handle. Some kids love it and never have the slightest problem. Others have mixed feelings. Here are a few strategies for a successful evening.

• Before trick or treating, it is helpful to serve a big dinner of food you are sure your child likes.  Less candy seems to get eaten that way.
• A nap in the  afternoon and  a good night’s sleep the night before pays big dividends.
• Talk about the experience you and your child will have in advance from where you are going, what they will see, how you will look, etc. Previewing an experience of any kind helps a child.
• Read some books about Halloween to help them have a visual image.
• Join with a couple of your child’s  other friends.
• Think in advance where you would like to go and how much walking is involved.  Tired children don’t enjoy things very much and are not much fun to be with.
• Limit the number of houses to no more than ten.  This tends to naturally limit the amount of candy acquired.
• Quit while you are ahead; no matter how early that is. Leave the evening on a positive note. Children this age don’t yet have holiday expectations.

Mainly, relax and enjoy the holiday.  If your child is anxious, you are there to help him through the scary parts and you can help them enjoy the fun of pretending.

Have a good holiday!Tweet