There are important emotional topics that naturally occur in the life of young children. At school, we call them “tender topics”. They can include the birth of a new baby, moving, starting school, separations, and Death.
Last week at the morning coffee, the question was “How do I talk to my child about death?”. At school, we talk about death regularly, usually in the context of life cycle. For example, in the garden, we plant seeds, watch them grow, enjoy the harvest or the flowers, and then see how the seed pods develop before the plants wither and die. Last week, we pulled out the dead tomato vines, depleted cilantro, and shriveled squash plant out of the ground. They are making way for the fall crop of vegetables and flowers who will repeat the cycle.
Death recently came to the Yellow Room in a different, but not uncommon way. A child’s cat died. While I talked about coping strategies with the family, we also got our favorite books that talk about death. Mister Roger’s Tender Topic Series includes When a Pet Dies, a really caring and thoughtful discussion of death and the child’s feelings about it. We also read The Tenth Good Thing About Barney. In it, a little boy has a cat die and he goes through the feelings and questions that come with that experience. In an intimate way, the boy and his family address his feelings, the goodbye process, mourning, and his memories.
We also discussed the cat’s death at morning meeting, the way we do with many things important to the children’s life. The child told the story of her cat, shared pictures, and talked about how they said their goodbyes as a family. The other children then shared their experiences. They told stories of wrapping an animal in a scarf, of funerals, of singing a goodbye song, of markers and flowers. Some talked about heaven. We listened and supported. The shared stories and feelings help all of the children to cope with loss and to develop coping strategies and increased awareness of one of life’s significant events.
In the life of the school, there will be fish, lizards, spiders, frogs, and other creatures to mourn. We will bury them in our garden where they will have their last job of helping making our garden grow, just like Barney. We will talk about feelings and realities. We will help them learn that death and sleep are not the same. It is a process.
