“YOU’RE NOT MY FRIEND ANYONE!”

OR

COMPLEX LIFE IN THE  FOUR YEAR OLD WORLD

“Tell them with words”; that is what we often say to children when we ask them to begin resolving a conflict between or among themselves. But what can we say and do when the words are” You’re not my friend anymore”. It can be worrisome or daunting when children start using that verbal tool against each other.

When we start hearing that at school, we know that children have reached a very normal, and yes, necessary, developmental step.  It is helpful at this point to review the development of friendships to see why.

When children first start school, often as three year olds, they begin as parallel players, playing more side-by-side than really with each other. As they grow, they begin to develop a friendship, often a person they like to play something with. As they play, they encounter the inevitable problems of sharing, controlling impulses, and having different ideas. We offer them strategies of problem solving, using words and compromise rather than hitting or walking away.

Friendships at this point are generally one to one; there can be several in a series in the course of the day.  Developmentally, three and early 4’s are in a state of equilibrium emotionally, which is reflected in their friendships.  They are also defining themselves more by what they can achieve than by what they can defy.

But somewhere along the 4 year-old path, several things happen.  First, they start pushing limits as they work to define who they are and aren’t.  They also strive to learn what they can do with their new, stronger bodies, minds, and complex emotions. Yale’s Gessell Institute describes 4’s as “wild” and wonderful”. Secondly, by mid 4, they have often developed several real friends with whom they have a history of play patterns and doing things together.  The third part of this transition is that the children have developed some of these friends in common, but they haven’t really noticed that until now.

When these 4’s start to play together, they start creating more complex play scenarios with multiple players, role assignments, and complex ideas.  The multiple players represent a combination of the friendships.  This is the beginning of true cooperative play and it is an essential part of growing up.  But it is often not easy. There are multiple points of view and ideas to contend with and the push and pull of friendship expectations.

Resolving these differing ideas and working with varied personalities is hard work. The brain of a 4 year old is only just beginning to develop the judgment and skills to cope with such complex demands.  So, there are inevitable breakdowns.

“You’re not my friend anymore” is sometimes code for “I can’t cope with all of this”. It can also be code for “I can’t control all of this”, because 4 year olds sometimes do try and control the world around them.  It is one of their ways of learning their limits.

When children are playing in these more complex settings, a moment will come when someone says or does something that sets someone else off.  One of the first instincts of the aggrieved child can be to rally a friend to her side and turn to the offending friend and announce” You’re not my friend anymore”. This response immediately polarizes the situation and usually one person or group goes off in a huff, after some dramatic words and postures.  Both sides usually feel right and aggrieved. The chief effect is that the complex situation becomes simple again; an exit has been created from either the “I can’t cope or “I can’t control it”.

When we hear a problem brewing among 4 year olds playing, we move nearby before the words, “You aren’t my friend anymore!” are spoken. We try to help them work through their play with conflict resolution strategies, clarifications, and support.  Sometimes, though, everything can be  going great with friends and then it reaches the point where it becomes too much and we hear “ You aren’t my best friend anymore.” At that point, we listen and reflect their feelings; we provide support and try and open doors to a restoration of goodwill.

Regardless of the timing of the problem, the best thing we can do as teachers and parents is to understand and support them as they find their way through this difficult time. Conflict resolution strategies are helpful. If we carefully listen to and understand their concerns and feelings, we can give children the extra strength to face their own challenges. It is best to avoid taking sides. Sometimes a little guidance about healing friendships helps later in the process.

We, as adults, need to be careful not to overreact, over-involve ourselves, or take our children’s situations personally. Children usually can find a way back to their friendships themselves. Children are good forgivers. Sometimes it takes a little conversation and healing but if the harm isn’t done too often, they get back to playing and being friends.

“You’re not my best friend anymore” often becomes “I’m your best friend again ” very quickly.Tweet